I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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