I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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