he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
