I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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