Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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