She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
