pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
