drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
