Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
