We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
