I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize