I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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