I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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