I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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