At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
