Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize