I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
