Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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