I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
