do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
