Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
