Ambien. No doubt about it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
