Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
