hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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