a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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