Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
