Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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