The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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