I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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