you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
