I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Randomize