He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
