The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
