I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
FUCK WHALES
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