Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Vodka?
Forever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
