my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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