I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
