Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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