dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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