id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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