i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
