I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
