Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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