its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
