I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
