On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
