Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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