I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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