he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
