good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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