It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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