we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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