Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
