found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
