I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
