I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
