loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
