You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Who did Billy Mays play for?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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