My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
