Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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