Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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