my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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