Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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