We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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