she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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