BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dear god my vagina.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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