i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
