I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
