If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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