I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
