No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
