Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Drake has all the answers
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
