he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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